I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*