I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
gm
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
he’s doing your taxes
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
So inspired right now.