I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Pickled cat.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.