@TheTweetOfGod

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

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@iwearaonesie

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

@hansabumsadaisy

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@WilliamAder

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

@Dawn_M_

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@Sorrowscopes

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

@StruggleDisplay

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

@noog

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.