I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!