I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.