I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?