I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Hot Hot Hot
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Just so funny
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”