[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
You Might Also Like
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
live long and prosper!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up