I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
May never get over this
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk