I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.