I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift