I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Chicago sounds lovely.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.