I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?