I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
gentlemen, hear me out
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.