i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.