I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL