@NikiWithIssues

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

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@SjekkieBunzing

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@Social_Mime

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

@RodLacroix

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

@cloudypianos

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@Jarhead44

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.