I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey


My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!


There, happy now? You cunts.


Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go


It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*