Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.