@NikiWithIssues
@SjekkieBunzing Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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@SjekkieBunzing 
@Duke1173 They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
@DirtMcTurd Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
@Social_Mime Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
@1_swarthy_dude Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
@RodLacroix I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
@cloudypianos Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
@NintenDom I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
@Jarhead44 My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
@wife_housy Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.