@NikiWithIssues

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

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@SandyDanto

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

@basic_afbitch

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

@pancakemixtape

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*