@NikiWithIssues
@SandyDanto Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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@SandyDanto 
@Brianhopecomedy My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@Breadery I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
@That_Damn_Duck I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
@Home_Halfway Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
@basic_afbitch Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
@kristoferthomas me hooking up with my ex
@pancakemixtape It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
@1800Randy I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
@StevieKnip *pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*