I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
You Might Also Like
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!