I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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I need a headline like this
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it