I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually