I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.