I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car