I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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