I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money