I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth