I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour