“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
You Might Also Like
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”