I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.