@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

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@ericsshadow

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@UghShh

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

@durtywhitebitch

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@StruggleDisplay

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.