I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Cinematography is my passion
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.