@Philosopherbing
@ericsshadow When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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@ericsshadow 
@Thuggedraccoon Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
@floydimus “I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
@pleatedjeans doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
@Aspersioncast In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
@River_Niles A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
@UghShh Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
@DanteEvilCat That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
@durtywhitebitch I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@StruggleDisplay Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.