@Philosopherbing
@OhNoSheTwitnt Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@NickBossRoss I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
@batkaren I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
@trevso_electric When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
@JasonBerlin You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
@ThoyaMasani @funTweeters
@funflaps YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
@RaphComic Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
@HomeWithPeanut It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
@perfectsweeties literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared