I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.


Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out



Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL



doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another


In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.


A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.


Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”


I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.