I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Oh hi lol
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair