I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Mountain Goat : )
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.