I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.