I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan