I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Spring of Deception
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
When I laugh on my period
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…