I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.