I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Van Gone
