I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…