i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium