I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”