I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’m awake but I object,
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Hitlers gonna hitl
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭