I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Oh the world we live in…