I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You Might Also Like
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top