I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 馃檨
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it鈥檚 not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I鈥檇 forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Found out it鈥檚 $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I鈥檓 just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom鈥檚
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I鈥檓 thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Yes, but it was never about money
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone鈥檚 only got one my dude
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they鈥檙e great
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
my name if I was in the mob