I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
become ungovernable
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa