@NotthatAdamWest Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
@zachreinert0 I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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@NotthatAdamWest 
@TheToddWilliams [butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
@protolalia My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
@badbanana A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
@causticbob The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
@SandyFrizzle Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
@ceejoyner a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
@Megatronic13 [demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
@TheCatWhisprer I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
@johnbiehl (McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home