@zachreinert0

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

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@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@TheToddWilliams

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@causticbob

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

@SandyFrizzle

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

@ceejoyner

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

@Megatronic13

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

@TheCatWhisprer

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home