I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*exercises sarcastically*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: