Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.