I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”