I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Baking is just science you can eat.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that