I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
She puts the hot in psychotic
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.