I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.