I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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Breaking news:
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
6. me as a lawyer
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…